My COVID Test Results Are In | TONIC SITE SHOP
Site Mixology

My COVID Test Results Are In

I’m not going to lie… when I imagine my ideal Sunday morning, it doesn’t involve giving my brain stem a light stir.

Let me back up. (And buckle up, because we’re back with the #longandweird.)

If you’ve been around since last Friday, you know our blessed unicorn of a Brand Manager + Integrator, Christina, stepped in to take my place on the weekly newsletter… which, had I written it in my current condition, was about to become the weakly newsletter.

(Probably would have featured a lot of jokes just like that.)

Knowing I was sick, Christina asked how she could help with the newsletter sometime Wednesday afternoon. She probably DIDN’T expect me to say, “Um, actually, since you asked…could you just… write it for me?” But then she turned around and gave us all THAT freaking TedTalk of an email on customer delight and I wanted to fire myself and never write anything ever again.

(But I’d miss you too much and, hey, what would I do with all my weird?)

While Christina was killing it on the newsletter front, I was… not killing it. I felt like I was being killed. Slowly. Like I’d been run over by a truck going about 5 miles per hour.

If you haven’t already googled “Coronavirus symptoms” at 2am as you attempt to muffle your coughs in your pillow, let me just say… don’t. It’s like when WebMD somehow manages to convince you your intermittent sneezes are a rare form of nostril cancer… no matter what symptoms you start with, you will definitely end up with Coronavirus.

After three days of attempting to balance work, a whole family of people who also didn’t feel well (it’s amazing how much snot exists in a tiny toddler nose) and the increasing feeling that I now permanently lived beneath monster truck tires, I decided I needed to do it…

I needed to get the COVID-19 test.

While I was 99% sure I just had a summer cold (no fever or breathing problems), we had an upcoming (small, outdoor, socially-distanced) birthday party for my husband, I needed to know if I could go to the grocery store, and also, my 2am Google searches were getting scarier.

So, Sunday morning, we took a family trip to our local CVS, where a man with kind eyes passed a brown bag with a little testing kit through a portal.

Unsurprisingly, I have some thoughts on this kit. (The title of my nonexistent podcast? Either “I Have Thoughts, “or “Unsolicited Opinions.”)

First of all, how about some branding, CVS? Just a plain brown bag with a baggie inside? Felt a little like a drug deal. People want experiences. How about creating some anticipation, giving me a nice letterpress logo, an unexpected joke on the outside — “We’re in This Together….from a safe distance?” “Thinking Positive Thoughts, J/K” — and making the test feel like a GIFT? Maybe it’s in a sleek, weighted box like Apple product? Maybe there’s a gift card or scented candle “for when you can smell again” inside?

I kid. But it got worse. First out of the bag o’ boring came a swab approximately the length of a broom handle. Where does this go? was my immediate panicked thought.

“You’re going to insert this into your nose and when it’s in there far enough, I’ll start counting to fifteen…” the man I’d previously thought was kind intoned over the speaker.

You’re reading this thinking, “Okay, Jen, 15 seconds isn’t thaaaaat long,” and you are INCORRECT. It’s shocking how slow the seconds tick by as you insert a swab up through your nose into your brain and then just swish it around a little bit.

My internal monologue: “It’s in far enough now, right? No. How is this not far enough? I think the swab just touched the back of my head! He’s still not counting. NOW?! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF MY BRAIN SOUP, START COUNTING.”

15 seconds is an eternity.

And then you have to do the other nostril.

10/10 do not recommend this experience.

(Side note: That was a joke. If you think you have COVID, please get tested and stay home. Also, apparently there are much more humane nose swab tests that don’t leave you with involuntary tears streaming from your eyes and your children saying “MOMMY, WHAT’S WRONG, IS THE VIRUS MAKING YOU CRY?!” so find one of those.)

After the test came the waiting period. 2-5 days, they said. We’ll email you when your results come in, they said. So obviously, I chose to refresh the test results app approximately every 19 minutes from the moment we left the drive-through.

Last night, my test results finally came in, and I refreshed the app furiously, noting that apparently I was also tested for a bunch of other communicable viruses, like SARS and the Avian Flu. (Side note: who’d have ever thought we’d be kind of nostalgic for SARS? I mean, compared to COVID, the Avian Flu sounds great about now… birds! How cute!)

Annnnnd the test was? Negative. No Corona. (No SARS or Avian Flu, either.) I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or annoyed that I got pretty sick and stuck a broom up my nose and it wasn’t COVID.

But on a positive note far more relevant to you than the state of my nostrils, it got me thinking about this great, NO-SWAB website health check our client Katelyn James just posted after we re-launched her website (which we’d last refreshed in 2017).

Not only does she give you a tour of her beautiful (if I do say so myself) new website, she also gives everyone a ton of excellent tips for how to know when it’s the right time to update your website. Plus, it’s pretty much must-see TV for ANYONE who cares about their web presence (also, I could listen to Katelyn read the phone book, if phone books still existed, since she has the most soothing voice of life):

You’ve GOT to watch the video because there are so many genius notes on making your website convert and a peek into the strategy behind EVERY part of her website — there was a lot. It’s a big site — but if you can’t right now, here are a few of the questions she asks (and one I added):

Katelyn’s (Swab-Free) Website Health Check

1. Do you cringe when you click through your current site because it doesn’t represent your current level of work or clientele?

2. Does your site fail to resize and restructure when you make your desktop browser window more and more narrow and / or does your mobile site feel WAY less cool than your desktop site?

3. Are there current offerings missing or not fully represented on your current site? (Maybe you have shifted what you’re offering in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic and yet your business changes aren’t represented online in any way!)

4. Is your current website missing strategic conversion-based design elements/structure?

5. Are you actively directing people to your Instagram page instead of your website because you aren’t proud of that representation of your brand?

6. Does your website fail to accurately reflect where you are at this stage of your business and where you plan to go next?

If you answered YES to more than two of those questions, then it maaaaaay be time for you to either consider a website overhaul or a least a major website update. Per usual, I have thoughts.

The TONIC (see what I did there?) for Website Woes

If you already have a TONIC site: Great news. We’ve partnered with one of our designer friends, Tessa from Bella Maven, who’s currently offering a “Website Refresh” service, and TONIC regulars get a killer discount! CLICK HERE to take a look and make sure you use the code TONIC150 for $150 off! (Spots are limited).

If you don’t have a TONIC site: Um, what are you waiting for?! Go browse our collection of really sexy customizable website site templates and / or EMAIL US and we can give you a personalized recommendation for the site that fits you — this current, awesome you — best and cures your website woes at the same time. What if you could have a sweet new website up NEXT WEEK?

It’s totally doable.

Do not delte - Ryan
Do not delte - Ryan

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